This is the hardest thing I have ever done.
Finishing graduate school doesn't compare. My first heartbreak can't hold a candle to it. Moving to a new town where I didn't know anyone was child's play.
Everyone tells you that becoming a parent will change your life. "Yep," you mentally agree as well-wishers inform you of the hardest thing you have yet to do. In retrospect, this statement never took root. Of course my life would be different after Reed's birth. But twelve days later, I understand this statement with more clarity than I ever could imagine.
No one told me there would be grieving with the joy. The life that was will never again be. Some might criticize me for grieving that loss while I enjoy the small warmth of my son laying in my lap. But I aim for honesty here.
I get mired in the small picture, the minutae, the details. But Ben reminded me the other day - we make sacrifices now to know a greater joy later. And I've got a strangle hold on God's Word that says children are a blessing from Him.
The greatest loves in our lives tend to expose our emotional insecurities -- even ones we imagined were long laid to rest. And so I worry about how my marriage will change. I worry if it will make us weaker or stronger, distant or more loving, stingy or more generous. But as I think over the past twelve days, I realize a sweetness in our marriage that may have gone unrealized without our tiny redheaded boy.
And so I write these things for those who lives have been changed, are changing, and, Lord willing, may change.